To Whom May Question Whom I Am To Be,
It’s the difference between men and women… maybe? The difference between Moms and Dads… the difference between what we think of, what guides us, what drives us to make the decisions we make. Not really decisions, so much as…
Compulsions, guides, purposes…… what forces us to do what we do, how we do it. That forces us to take up the arguments with our spouses, become a person we never were, or we never wanted to be.
It comes to light in an unforeseen way. No conversation or foreseeing could have told me this was going to happen. A conversation or lack thereof, rather a news story about a tornado. About storm chasers. Storm Chasers. Yes, I would have chased a storm. I would have rather found it exhilarating to do so. There would have been no thought of consequences; no thought of safety (necessarily), no thought of what happens if…
I would have (if only for a moment while I relive it now) found it absolutely within the right of living life to chase a storm. What would that experience bring?!?
But now, I stand and tell my husband that I couldn’t do that. I could no longer take on what I would have before. I have changed. Changed has come to me. It’s beyond parenting.
Yes. I would now worry who would raise my daughter. How would she ever know that I loved her so. That I love her so. When would I tell her that my harshness is driven by my worry for her, my hopes and dreams for her to grow to be a better woman that I? How would my youngest little man ever understand that he is the moon that woos me in the bleakest of nights? Beyond that, how would I ever thank my oldest son for saving me? For saving C and I? For saving our family? For making our family?
But I have changed. As much as I wish I could be carefree, as much as I wish I could no longer consider all that is in our world, that I can not be blind to… even when constant streams of cartoons plague my days and it would seem no news of ‘News’ would make its way to my ears… all that is in our world is in my sight. My worries greater than most in my circle – something I reluctantly say….
So no. While my husband may miss the carefree me that once was, I can no longer be she. For I was never meant to be. Carefree.
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